In my experience conducting couple counseling sessions and facilitating workshops on relationships, it’s not uncommon to encounter scenarios like the one below.
Partner 1: How come you are always so busy with work?
Partner 2: Because work is what helps us run the house. Why does it sound like you are complaining about it?
Partner 1: I am not complaining. Even if I were, it’s not like you would make any effort to change!
Partner 2: Right! Because I am so useless that I am incapable of change.
Partner 1: I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s pointless talking to you.
This is what communication can sound like when both partners are emotionally guarded and struggling to be open and vulnerable with each other. Let’s look what vulnerability looks like and why is it so helpful to cultivate it in a relationship.
Vulnerability is the courage to let yourself be seen as a complex human being; to be seen firstly, by ourselves and then by others. It’s the openness towards one’s own and others’ fallibilities. It’s not very difficult to define and understand vulnerability, but it requires rigorous, consistent, committed effort to practice being vulnerable. This experience can be very painful in the beginning.
Think about it – Imagine opening up to your partner about how hurt you felt, while trusting that they will acknowledge your feelings and not dismiss them. That can be very scary because
We declare that vulnerability is weakness, it’s only for the soft-hearted, and that strong people stay away from it. We build stone walls in relationships thinking we are guarding ourselves. But are we? What exactly are we guarding against? Painful emotions?…challenging experiences?…the risk of loving and trusting? If these are the things we are busy guarding ourselves against, then where is the scope for engaging, connecting, building, and growing in a relationship?
Many people stay in unhappy relationships for years because they keep choosing safety over courage, they choose short-term escape from distress over courage. Many clients who are in long-term relationships often complain about monotony and yet they are scared to open themselves up to new experiences in the relationship.
Let’s see what openness and vulnerability would look like in action. For eg – one partner asking for more help with household chores while expressing his/her anxiety about being overburdened, instead of yelling at the partner with anger and hurling accusations at them for being lazy and insensitive or on the other hand staying silent about the whole matter. The act of asking for help and expressing one’s distress is an act of courage because this person is stepping out of their safety zone and taking the risk of facing various possible outcomes. Their partner could refuse to help them, they could dismiss the problem by saying ‘You are making a big deal out of nothing,’ they could make a judgemental comment like ‘You are always cribbing about being overburdened.’ On the other hand, they might even appreciate your openness, be thankful that you are giving them clarity about your expectations and feelings, and might be encouraged to talk openly about what’s happening at their end in the situation.
We don’t know in advance which outcome it will turn out to be. We can’t have that advanced certainty before we open ourselves up. That’s the risk we take. The key question is ‘Is this risk worth taking for me?’ Each of us has to put in the work to find an authentic answer to this question. But the hard truth here is that if I don’t want to take the risk and bear the costs of being vulnerable, then I am choosing the costs of closing myself up in the relationship. It is likely to feel mechanical, cold, monotonous, transactional, etc because I am only bringing a guarded, defensive, overcautious, risk-averse version of myself to the relationship. I don’t think any of us would choose these costs deliberately if we were fully aware of them.
The primary reason why we choose to be this version is to avoid being vulnerable. But avoiding vulnerability is like denying possibilities or demanding certainties. Every time we fly in an airplane we are vulnerable to a plane crash, so we should demand from the aircraft company a certainty beforehand that the flight won’t crash. Every person who starts a new business is vulnerable to losing money and failing. Therefore they should demand an advanced certainty that they won’t fail and lose money. Every child who tries to walk for the first time is vulnerable to falling down. So the child should get a certainty before trying to walk that they won’t fall for sure. How do these scenarios sound? How would we engage with life if we refused to be vulnerable and demand certainties? Similarly, how would we nurture a relationship if keep avoiding being emotionally vulnerable?
What would an exchange between a couple sound like if they both let themselves be seen by their partners and brought their authentic emotions to the table –
Partner 1: I’d like for us to spend more time together. I feel isolated when you are busy with work at most times
Partner 2: I am sorry that you feel isolated. I am struggling to balance work and family time. I get anxious at times and don’t know how to divide my time.
Partner 1: I didn’t realize you felt anxious about it. Thanks for telling me. Can we together figure out how to divide time better?
Partner 2: Yes, I do need your help.
Once we stop being scared of being vulnerable, we can start taking calculated risks to be open with our partners and place our trust in them. It’s a skill that can be developed through mindful practice. It can open up the possibility of many open discussions between a couple, without undue fear of being judged or betrayed. Couples can become more open to feedback from each other that can be used to fix problems in the relationship instead of fixing blame on each other. They can become more open to accepting each other’s influence
In order to be vulnerable in action, one has to allow oneself to be vulnerable in mind. In order to be vulnerable in mind, one has to allow vulnerability in action. It starts with a choice to allow it.
Allow it.
About Author –
Swati Khanolkar –
Director of In Vivo and AEI Certified REBT Supervisor & Faculty
‘In Vivo’ was started in 2007 with the aim of making people aware – in their minds and in action – that they themselves have the ability and the power to make a ‘Proactive Choice’ to take …Read More
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